I’ve erased my words 1000 times, their structure, tone, truth, never on par with expectations, towering columns of marble, ivory in color and gaudy in look, I am a fan of neither ivory nor marble, opting instead for a pair of jeans and greenery, my secret want, to live among the stars, outside the constraints of overbearing eyes forever peering over my shoulder, an overzealous HOA, inflating with power as each rule is drafted, dictating my choices, my freedoms, knowing nothing I ever say will be enough, self-inflicted, maybe, but definitely learned, a life lived with great memories sporadically thriving among the desolate landscape that is my mind, vast swaths of time forgotten, but why, a question I ponder daily, as I swallow magical potions, each fixing something I find repulsive, buying into misogynist capitalism, forever believing I am not enough, as the supplements slip deeper into my body, releasing their homeopathic wellness into my gut, it metabolizing all that I am, and wish to be, stuck in a state of constant turmoil, me against everything, empathically supporting everyone but myself, fighting the fights for them, avoiding all that is me, surrounded by stability yet forever unstable, supported by a weakened spine, each step a stream of pain, flowing in turbulent force, inflaming all it breaches, as the sun shines down on tanned skin, scarred by cancerous dna, believing too much in its healing light, overcompensating, the usual choice made, when unattainable expectations exist, ivory pedestals becoming too slick, and you’re barely hanging on with sweaty palms